I am here to say, "God's wisdom and power is real!".
The maker of the universe, regardless of what you believe, cares about you, loves you, and has a plan for your life!
That said, I would like to share with you, an unknown listener, my story. It will be long and may never get read, but if I does I hope that it gives you comfort and peace and if now o-well. So... brace yourself for a long read. Sit back and listen to a tale from a woman, who knows the desires of a woman who is barren. And the worst type of barren, the kind where it isn't me... it's him. The type of barren, where I know how both sexes feel. When people find out we have been together almost ten years and don't have kids, I get the looks of pity, strangers assuming that it is me who is the problem and out of respect for my husband often pretend it is me. I get strangers telling me not to worry, it will happen in God's time. And, I get the looks, that we are selfish or greedy, because they think we chose to not have kids because we want success instead (which if that is your option, it's a great one. Not everyone wants kids).
Sometimes I feel ashamed to be a women, who hasn't achieved what the world tells us makes us a women. Society has it planned for us to play dolls, watch disney movies, get married, then have kids. It just so happens that that is exactly what I want! Yet, I am told in not so exact words that I am less of a women, because no one calls me mommy. What is an almost 30 year old women to do if it isn't take kids to soccer, complain to friends about how exhausted they are, and share the 1000's of pictures of their cute and smiling faced children over lunch. They don't have the undesired luxury that I have, of being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. My girlfriends can't just go to dinner on a Thursday night last minute, because they have to cook dinner for their family and get their kid's homework done. And yet, I want nothing more than their annoyances. Kid's being home sick with a cold, another soccer game on a Saturday, and juggling a million things at once.
I have this fantasy in my head about my husband looking at our child for the first time, and saying he has my eyes and his jawline and chin. I have a fantasy about holding each other and weeping when we hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. The excitement of decorating the nursery together and fighting over blue or pink. I have this dream of being fat and pregnant while my loving and doting husband rubs my swollen feet. And unfortunately, I have a loving and caring husband who would do everything for me that most women only dream about, and his skills will never be put to the test! I am not pregnant and he goes to the store to get me my favorite ice cream, or a last minute ingredient for dinner that I am making. I have a man who supports me and every decision I make.
But, those dreams are not in our deck of cards. It was a tough/ big pill to swallow. Yet, God has a plan for us. A plan for us to prosper, and not be harmed. We have done infertility treatment. A couple IUI's actually. I know what you are going through. I know the hope that you feel that this time it will be successful. The fear you feel when your husband is giving you a shot in the stomach for the first time, because you are to scared to do it yourself! I know the excitement you feel your breast start to hurt and you are praying that it is a sign of a baby growing inside of you and not a side effect of the high levels of hormones artificially running throughout your entire body. Heck, I even know the complete joy of seeing that positive sign on the pregnancy test.
Unfortunately, and I pray this part is what you cannot relate to, I also know the pain of miscarriage. I know the feeling of having my baby go down the drain... literally, and being confused if I should dig the mess out of the toilet and bury it in the back yard or flush it. I have been in the hospital and had the doctor hold my hand during the exams, because my husband was sitting shocked and distraught (probably because of how I was acting) crying next to me in the gurney. I was inconsolable. I was pitiable. It was the first time I realized how animalistic we can become when we are grief stricken.
But again, I was worshiping and praising God! My prayers had been answered, even if just for a short time. I did, in a weird way, feel blessed to have felt pregnant for the first and only time in my life! I had tasted how good a juicy orange and pickle tasted. I had seen the plus sign on the test! And most importantly, I felt what true love feels like. The love that a mother feels towards her baby growing inside. Reading every day what was going on inside my, now no longer empty, womb.
But infertility has a way of bringing you closer together. At least in our case. I mean the doctors are showing him what my cervix looks like. He is in there while I am getting ink injected into my fallopian tubes, and watching on the tv screen the dye flowing through my female organs. And him being a tech-nerd excitedly telling me that it is "live time!" He was there, by my side, when I was at the lowest of my lows and the highest of my highs. This man, whom I love, has held my hand and supported my dreams regardless of the cost financial and emotional.
I must also mention, this man has feelings to! He is hopeful for success. He is fearful of failure. And he is helpless in watching his wife, his partner, his best friend go through painful procedures and countless doctors appointments all because he isn't "normal". He has been humiliated by the embarrassing fact that he cannot have kids. Has to feel like he is less of a man, cause he doesn't have sperm cells! He is emasculated by world standards as much as I am. He has had to masterbaite in doctors offices, while listening to nurses on the other side of the door talking about their day and handing him nasty magazines waiting for him to emerge with his sample.... multiple times. This poor man found out he was infertile by a doctor (not reviewing his notes) congratulating him on his successful vasectomy. Only to have the doctor walk out of the room when my husband told him he didn't have a vasectomy done, and reappear moments later and say, "Unfortunately, you are infertile". He has a condition that affects less than one percent (<1%) of the entire world's population called azoospermia! Talk about luck! He had a retrieval process that verified his lack of sperm cells, period! There aren't even underdeveloped ones.
Yet he is a miracle! He was born in 1981, at 24 week gestation and survived! He has no health issues what-so-ever, minus this. And he is a loving and caring husband who wants his wife's dreams to come true. I have no regrets about marrying this amazing man, even though it seemed like my dreams would never come true. I never once thought, "If I knew that my husband couldn't have kids I wouldn't have married him." For you women who are infertile, who ever wonder how your spouse feels on the inside it is this: I wish I could take the pain away. I wish it was me who had the problem not them.
BUT, and BIG BUT, We know that God has an awesome plan for our life. We were never under the opinion that we would have a "normal" life. I have always known that I was created for something special. I have an ability to feel other peoples pain and be able to relate to them in a real way. I have the ability to love others equally regardless if they are family or strangers. If I didn't suffer from infertility, I wouldn't understand what it feels like to want something sooo bad I could taste it. I wouldn't understand what true loss feels like. I wouldn't understand my husbands character to the intimate level that I do. We have literally been by each others sides through some humiliating procedures and yet always treated each other with dignity, respect, and love.
I hope that everyone who reads this doesn't relate to this. I pray that your procedures of IUI's/IUD's/ IVF's are successful the first time around. I got pregnant on our 1st one! 2,3,4 were not successful though. I am hear to tell you that every step along the way is a learning experience! If you have any questions on any procedure's I can help you! (I have had a lot of them, we did every procedure anyways to ensure that I didn't have any problems that we were unaware of like having a blocked tube.. ect). Also, I have knowledge about having the military insurance (Tri-Care) pay for the procedures and have also done it with normal insurance! Many don't know that Tri-Care covers all costs! Also, we did IUI's with donor sperm, which is weird in itself. Together we have read through online bio's of unknown donors and debated height, weight, education level, even shade of skin color and eye color. So if anyone has questions on the different cryo labs, steps along the way, or comfort and reassurance I am here! We have healed from the experiences of loss on multiple different levels, and are now currently embracing what God has instore for us instead of how we envisioned it! I pray that every woman who wants a baby gets one! I also pray for every woman who is pregnant with a baby and doesn't want it! There are a lot of people out there who you can be their hero and make people's dreams come true! Blessings to all on their fertility quest!
